Destiny..... Destiny protect me from the world

Teaching is about one third inspiration, knowledge, imagination, and two thirds just sheer hard work and discipline. I am finding myself constantly up and down in this job. The ups are always about working with the kids. The downs are always about the lack of a work-life balance. Frankly there is no balance. i have loads of work, and no life.

What keeps coming to mind as I think of this job is the word sacrifice. Not to dress it up as heroic, brave or in some way imply that we teachers are saviours of the world. Get thy homework in on time and ye shall have eternal life.

Its more a case of the fact that this is a job that needs to be done. Its always about the kids, giving them a future, helping them grow into productive and caring citizens. For that to happen I have to give a lot of myself. I sacrifice my spare time to make sure my lessons are properly planned and that marking is done, and a million other little jobs that always come up. Stuff just has to be done or else the kids don't learn.

In giving of myself of course I get a lot back in return. I get to share in the lives of hundreds of people as they learn to be, and eventually become, adults. I see their highs and lows, and their middles. I get to reward their successes, pick them up after their failures, and keep them going during their gooey middles. I don't just mark books, collect homework or set tests. I build confidence and esteem, develop social skills, fix broken hearts, listen to problems, give attention when no-one else does, and generally exist for these kids.

Teaching in interdependence in action. The kids need me. Not as the individual that I am, but just as someone willing to be available for them. And in return I need them. I need them to remind me why the sacrifice is so worthwhile. I need them to give my life meaning and to help find my own identity and ultimately my own destiny.

So maybe I have less time for watching TV, listening to music or just wasting time on the Internet. but perhaps in sacrificing this kind of free time, I am actually giving myself a much more valuable gift in living alongside these lives as they develop. Would I rather be a passive consumer of culture, or would I rather take part in helping spawn our future artists, film-makers, doctors, politicians, musicians?

When I think of it like that, it seems an easy choice.

Little arithmetics, got me down.....

The use of negative integers, I discovered recently to my total fascination, are a sign of higher level intelligence. This is because negative numbers are purely theoretical and serve no practical function. you don't get -1 sheep, -2.4 kids, or -1000000 grains of rice. Although apparently they can be useful in book-keeping, but that is the work of the devil!

Negative numbers and a big fat zero have been playing on my mind today and trapping me in a cage of negative thinking. I don't seem to be enough with the force today to really get rid of my dark cloud. Oh the melodrama!

How typical that in a world of not just plenty but of total over consumption, that our minds can still get stuck ion what we think is missing. I can sit comfortably in my nice house, with my full belly, connecting with the world through my wonderful laptop, and yet still have BUTs, IF ONLYs, WHAT IFs, I JUST WANTs screaming in my head over and over.

And where is Mr Dogen with his infinite wisdom to share the dharma and rescue me from myself? well he's dead! Selfish pig. And don't get me started on the Buddha....

Maybe science will be my saviour. These thoughts are only neurons firing electrical signals through well worn circuits within the matter of my brain and nothing more. Hmmmm, nope that's a very underwhelming idea.

So coming back to zen again I resolve to sit it out. What other way to deal than to sit? Sit with whatever is there. Good or bad thoughts are just thoughts. The 'good' or 'bad' are ego preferences. I've built my own cage to trap myself in. I must have built a key to let myself out too. It must be around here somewhere. Maybe if I just sit here and wait I'll remember where it is.....

I am so great! I am so great! Everybody loves me. I am so great......

Its relatively easy to contemplate the idea of non-attachment when it comes to things we perceive as negative, whether they are feelings, thoughts or actions. Having been watching the glorious The Thick of It, a satirical BBC comedy detailing the ins and outs of the world of political spin and counter-spin, I imagine what it would be like to be on the receiving end of a Malcolm Tucker diatribe, full to the brim of colourful swearing and imaginative but disgusting metaphors.When something is unpleasant it is almost natural to detach from it and even ignore it. Human beings have developed a range of inventive psychological means of detaching from or ignoring unpleasantness. Detaching or ignoring, however, are not the same as non-attachment.

So how do we practice non-attachment when it comes to praise?

Just as a solid rock is not shaken by the storm, even so the wise are not affected by praise or blame

This is a line from the Dhammapada.  In reading it I am struck by what I find so utterly compelling about Buddhism. That this one single line can be so simple, yet cut so directly to the deepest truth that it becomes achingly beautiful. And yet beneath the simplicity lies great complexity. What can be more difficult than to let go of those times when we are given praise?

In teaching, praise is an absolutely essential tool. It gives you the opportunity to build the self-esteem of your charges, give them a glimpse of success, and make learning an enjoyable experience. It also helps you gain control over classes, as students continually pushed to work hard for no reward will become disillusioned. But with all things balance is key. Young people will see through you as soon as you start to use praise where it is not truly deserved, and you will lose them. Unlike many adults, young people have a keen sense of justice and merit.

So does the Buddha intend for us to abandon praise altogether and live in that kind of old fashioned world where hardy men would work hard not because they wanted praise but because they were hard working men and that's what they did? To me this is not the point of this teaching.

As I am preparing for my first term as a 'proper' teacher, and writing schemes of work, I am finding myself getting caught up in the praise and positive feedback I get for what I am devising. As I observe my response to this praise I notice how it very quickly brings up ideas of who I want to be as a teacher, or even as a person. I find myself dreaming of being the best teacher ever to set foot on this planet. And while I'm at it:  Mars, Alpha Centauri, or even Cybertron.

Ego doesn't need much to encourage it to spiral beyond its reality and praise seems to be something of an ego roller coaster. And this is where I think the heart of this teaching lies. It is all too human to attach to praise and run with it. To fantasise of where it might take you and how great you will be. This is all just ego. What happens when the praise dries up? The higher you go on the praise roller coaster, when the fuel runs out, the further you have to fall.

Praise at certain stages of our lives is necessary. It is a useful means of showing someone that they are doing something right and that you regard them in a positive manner. Attachment to praise on the other hand can only cause us suffering because it will not always be there and in the end it will control us as we come to desperately chase after it. Letting go of praise by accepting it when it is given, but also accepting that it will not always be there is a more balanced approach.

Everything is impermanent, and so to is praise. Every time we receive praise, just around the corner we could receive blame. And vice versa. Practicing non-attachment to blame AND praise leaves us solid as a rock and able to enjoy the roller coaster ride without being sick or screaming 'We're all going to die!'

Ernesto Che Guevara and the law of karma!

I think I've just hit upon a great idea for a new reality TV show. Or maybe not.

Having spent considerable time in the past describing myself as a Marxist, and retaining strong sympathies in that political direction, the name 'Che' still stirs romantic feelings in my socialist soul. The doctor who was so inspired by the lives of the poor and oppressed of Latin America that he devoted, and ultimately gave up his life, to fighting for the freedom of all people. And yet he is also a man who oversaw executions of deserters and would also seem to be homophobic.

Steven Soderbergh does a great job of bringing these kinds of contradictions to a man who became more than just that. It seems to be common practice for journalist hacks to not write about Che without mentioning his poster adorning the walls of endless student halls of residence. And recently an alcohol company were denied use of what is one of the most famous and influential images of the 20th Century. Che became a hero across the world. As with all heroes, the boundaries between truth and fantasy become blurred and a man becomes legend.

I recently started keeping a notebook of sentences or ideas from things I've been reading to remind me. I made a note from a book by Pema Chodron:

For me to be healed, everyone has to be healed.

This statement is about conflict. Every conflict involves sides and inevitably we find ourselves picking and choosing which side to be on ourselves. For Chodron though, the causes of conflict lie in the very process of identifying with, and taking sides. And no resolution to conflict can come from any position which reinforces this process. In Zen terms taking sides is a matter of judgement and preference and as such a function of our monkey mind. (Ha my notebook proves useful after all!)

So watching Che Part One got me to wondering about how such Buddhist ethics fit with the Marxist idea of class struggle and revolution. In other words, will Che be reborn in the heavenly realms as liberator of the people, or is he doomed to the 7 hells as a brutal murderer?

I can't in any way claim to fully understand karma and I'd be slow to trust anyone who said they really did. How I understand it now is not so much as some kind of mystical abacus, weighing up your good and bad deeds, but rather as a matter of consequences. Every action has a consequence, and in a lifetime people are continually acting and producing consequences. Every moment of our lives reflects our actions as our current state of life reflects the consequences of these actions.

There is so much complexity to a situation or a life such as Guevara's. In simple terms the precepts discourage us from causing suffering an taking life. At this level there is no question that Guevara would have accumulated negative karma. I don't find this in any way a satisfactory conclusion.

For one thing Karma does not apply solely to an individual. Karma would seem to apply to groups of peoples and historical circumstances. Was it karma originally that led Guevara to be involved in revolution in the first place?

The regime Castro and Guevara overthrew was one of corruption, oppression and murder. The natural resources of Cuba were exploited for personal profit by Batista, who also made links with American mobsters. JFK himself spoke out against Batista and America's links with his regime, highlighting the fact that Batista was responsible for the murder of 20000 Cubans.

When we take into account the fact that this is what Guevara was fighting against, how does that affect his karma? He was never a mindless thug who knew nothing other than violence. He had an intense sens of justice and spoke of love as being the most important quality for revolutionaries to possess: love of their comrades, of the people, of justice and liberty. His life was spent with a gun in one hand, and a book in the other. His men were taught to read and write as well as to wage war. He protected the poor wherever he went.

I rather see his karma as being complex. It was his karma to accept the responsibility to lead a violent existence in order to fight against a violent regime. Remember that violence is not only the physical act of violence, but also the act of denying people the right to work and the ability to exist and support their families. Ultimately his death in Bolivia can be seen as a fulfilment of his karma to some extent. But to me his death and his life are about sacrifice. When he had a career as a doctor he could have led a comfortable life. After the Cuban revolution, again he could have hung up his boots and settled into a cushy government position. Instead he chose to continually fight for oppressed people wherever he found them wanting his help. To Guevara his own life was not as important as the lives of the poorest and most troubled people's of Latin America and beyond.

Perhaps this is a man who better understood the concept of no-self than any Bodhisattva wannabe.

Having said that the Cuban revolution still is a cause of hurt and conflict for those closest. There are still people who will not forgive what occurred during that time and such hatred and hurt can be passed down through families for generations. In the end the violence of the revolution may have brought about different times in the short term, but what about long term?

Maybe the revolution itself was the maturing of karma brought about by a corrupt dictatorship underpinned by American imperialism. Karma that is still revealing its course.

Jaffa cakes: cake or biscuit?

A friend wasted about 2p in texting me a ridiculous question posed as a big emotional declaration: is a jaffa cake a cake or a biscuit?

This is a great example of dualistic thinking. Why does it have to be either? Just let it be what it is: a jaffa cake!

One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do....

I've moved to a new town to take up my first teaching post. I know absolutely no-one here. I've done this a few times in my life now. Its not so much having an urge to up and run every now and then, or just wanting to escape. It just so happens my life has taken some twists and turns. As most people's do. Whether I am in control or not is another matter, and maybe one that ultimately does not matter. My decisions have brought me here within the opportunities the universe has presented me with.

So I am finding myself spending a lot of time alone. This is something in the past I have really struggled to do for longer periods. Going to a new uni the second time I got quite depressed with not knowing people to begin with. It really took me a while to settle and find a group of friends. It probably didn't help I was reading 'Nausea' by Jean-Paul Sartre at the time. Its not cheery stuff. I would read Sartre, get a bit drunk, and email friends some morose, depressing shit. Unsurprisingly they were not impressed.

And at other times in my life loneliness has touched a nerve. When you are lonely it seems like everyone else is in a couple, or part of a group, or surrounded by minions ready to fake laugh at the most inane jokes. And it can feel like they're all doing it just to mock your loneliness. Because, of course, you are the centre of the universe!
Which may be true, but not in the sense that everyone elses' lives revolve around you.

This time however something is very different. I am enjoying this time to myself. Instead of moping around staring at happy, sociable people from my window, melodramatically sighing while putting on a Smiths album, I am utilising this time. My days are now full of zazen, yoga, making nice food, getting out on my bike exploring the countryside and getting fit. My body and mind feel healthy and happy. And generally I am quite content. No need for Sartre! Sorry Jean-Paul....

So what is different? It may be that I am now older and my expectations of having some kind of life have diminished. It may be that as a total geek I am resigned to my solitary existence, content to waste my time working my way through the entire X-Files series and falling in love with Dana Scully all over again. Part of that last sentence is very true.

What has really made the difference is my state of mind. Rather than looking at myself as a lonely person, I am more inclined now to look at myself without making such a judgement. What was causes the trauma previously of feeling lonely, was not what I was doing day to day, or who with, but what I was thinking. Noble Truth Number 2: we are the cause of our own suffering! Instead of thinking 'I am one lonely quinoa eating ulsterman', I accept reality as what it is. I'm nothing other than someone who has just moved to a new place and doesn't know anybody. And as all things have a tendency to change, so too will this. Sure it might take a while. When you get older its harder to make friends because everyone is so caught up in their busy, important lives. So it takes a little while longer. But if it was easy would it be worth the effort?

Whats the big idea?

So this is my first post and I figured I should really let someone know what this is meant to be all about. Even if that person turns out to be just me. Maybe I'll end up working it out as I go along.

I've been practicing zazen now for a couple of years. Zazen is an interesting beast. The more I've practiced the more it has sucked me in. So now it is a central part of my life. If I don't do it, I don't feel 'right'. So as I try to up the ante and delve further into the nature of reality I will use this blog to try and document this journey in the hope that it will help me process and understand what is going on. 

Staring down the barrel is just a phrase that popped into my head from nowhere when confronted with Blogger asking me 'what do you want to call your blog?' I hadn't thought about that part. But as a throw away title it does have some meaning. To me Zen is a direct confrontation with reality. There is nowhere to hide with zen. You can't blame anyone else for anything that has ever occurred in your life because its all down to you. Zazen is a mirror that reflects every last drop of truth right back at you. So to me staring down the barrel seems an appropriate title. As the man once implied, its not easy to handle the truth.

In zazen we just sit, in a stable position, with back straight. We allow our thoughts to settle without attaching to them or avoiding them. We just sit with whatever occurs: the pain in your legs, the tiredness in your back, the tension in your shoulders, the million and one thoughts and fantasies that stream through your brain. Just sitting allows you to stop trying to be something: a father, a son, a daughter, a teacher, a banker, a partner, an arsehole, a hero. Zazen is about being nothing other than what you truly are, minus the labels.