I've moved to a new town to take up my first teaching post. I know absolutely no-one here. I've done this a few times in my life now. Its not so much having an urge to up and run every now and then, or just wanting to escape. It just so happens my life has taken some twists and turns. As most people's do. Whether I am in control or not is another matter, and maybe one that ultimately does not matter. My decisions have brought me here within the opportunities the universe has presented me with.
So I am finding myself spending a lot of time alone. This is something in the past I have really struggled to do for longer periods. Going to a new uni the second time I got quite depressed with not knowing people to begin with. It really took me a while to settle and find a group of friends. It probably didn't help I was reading 'Nausea' by Jean-Paul Sartre at the time. Its not cheery stuff. I would read Sartre, get a bit drunk, and email friends some morose, depressing shit. Unsurprisingly they were not impressed.
And at other times in my life loneliness has touched a nerve. When you are lonely it seems like everyone else is in a couple, or part of a group, or surrounded by minions ready to fake laugh at the most inane jokes. And it can feel like they're all doing it just to mock your loneliness. Because, of course, you are the centre of the universe!
Which may be true, but not in the sense that everyone elses' lives revolve around you.
This time however something is very different. I am enjoying this time to myself. Instead of moping around staring at happy, sociable people from my window, melodramatically sighing while putting on a Smiths album, I am utilising this time. My days are now full of zazen, yoga, making nice food, getting out on my bike exploring the countryside and getting fit. My body and mind feel healthy and happy. And generally I am quite content. No need for Sartre! Sorry Jean-Paul....
So what is different? It may be that I am now older and my expectations of having some kind of life have diminished. It may be that as a total geek I am resigned to my solitary existence, content to waste my time working my way through the entire X-Files series and falling in love with Dana Scully all over again. Part of that last sentence is very true.
What has really made the difference is my state of mind. Rather than looking at myself as a lonely person, I am more inclined now to look at myself without making such a judgement. What was causes the trauma previously of feeling lonely, was not what I was doing day to day, or who with, but what I was thinking. Noble Truth Number 2: we are the cause of our own suffering! Instead of thinking 'I am one lonely quinoa eating ulsterman', I accept reality as what it is. I'm nothing other than someone who has just moved to a new place and doesn't know anybody. And as all things have a tendency to change, so too will this. Sure it might take a while. When you get older its harder to make friends because everyone is so caught up in their busy, important lives. So it takes a little while longer. But if it was easy would it be worth the effort?
No comments:
Post a Comment